Beyond Lucky

I know many of you have been asking for an update, and I'm sorry it's been five months since I've lasted posted. Sheesh...that is long, even for me. It's been a whirlwind recently and between work, classes, Scarlett's dance and moving I've been overwhelmed. Tonight is actually the first night in a long time where I've actually opened up my laptop for a purpose other than looking for a storage unit or replacement kitchen faucets. Huzzah!

Another big reason I haven't written is because we waited this time around before telling people (outside of the select few who knew about the transfer). I know that this last year I've been incredibly transparent about our infertility and what we have been going through. I am beyond grateful for all of the love and support we've received during this time as well. So thank you to everyone who has been cheering us on or has messaged me with a kind word or two, I do appreciate it. What stopped me this time around was my fear of it not working. We have had two failed IUI cycles and two failed IVF rounds during this last year. It's a rollercoaster of emotions; anticipation, excitement and disappointment. It was hard for me to be sad and dispirited, but then to have everyone else around us also feeling that way made me more upset. I felt as if I was letting everyone else down too. I know it sounds ridiculous, but that is the best way I can describe how I felt. Just sad and sad that everyone else felt sad too. So after a lot of soul searching and Matt and I talking about everything, we decided it would be best we only told a few people, we didn't even tell Scarlett this time around.

I did a couple different things this go around. My doctor was pushing for us to do an ERA which is a "mock" cycle where they do a biopsy of my uterus when they would have done the transfer to see if I was on progesterone long enough prior to putting an embryo in. While we weren't opposed to it, it would mean over $800 out of pocket that insurance doesn't cover. We couldn't justify that with Scarlett in Montessori school, we would have had to dip more into our savings than we wanted to.

I told my doctor that we wanted to do at least another round of IVF before doing the ERA. I did request that he do a simple blood test to look at my antibodies, this was actually something my mom recommended that I do. The reason we hadn't tested for it prior is that it only effects 1-2% of women. I literally told Dr. Jacobs that I would end up being an outlier. And sure enough, I was. I tested positive for high natural killer cells. Essentially when I was pregnant with Scarlett my immune system went haywire and saw her as an enemy. She was already implanted by the time my body decided this was bad news bears and nothing happened. However, since my body thinks embryos are enemies any embryo we may have made naturally and through IVF was killed off.

This is newer science, and it's controversial. Considering we have had no other reason for me not getting pregnant, and I've had no miscarriages it made sense. Up until recently they have been treating these high natural killer cells with IVIG or intravenous immunoglobulin. Funny story, my mom when she worked at baxter worked with their version called Gammagard! It's used for a variety of reasons, mostly immune system problems such as autoimmune issues. It's hella expensive. I'm talking between 10k-100k per pop. While insurance will cover it for lets say, Kawasaki disease, it won't for infertility. Obviously, this isn't something we could afford without selling my left kidney. LUCKILY for me Dr. Jacobs is one of the forerunners in IVF treatments and had recently begun treating women with these high natural killer cells with intralipids. It's literally just emulsified fat (that looks just like propofol) that neutralizes the natural killers cells. And because it isn't made from humans like IVIG, it has no side effects and doesn't cost the equivalent of a mid-priced sports car. It's only $160 an infusion. So when Dr. Jacobs recommended it, and when Coram specialty pharmacies asked if I was ok with the price, my response was, "uh hell yeah!"

And that's what I did. So on top of all the other fun injections I got to do before and after a transfer, I was also going in for my liquid fats. I went in a week before my transfer, the day after I got a positive pregnancy test and again two weeks later. I had my NK levels checked during that time and these intralipids were intragold. Not only did my NK levels become normal, I also became pregnant. There are no good statistics nationally for intralipids and successful pregnancy. I've found some older studies in Greece and another I want to say in the UK, but they really didn't share much other than more or less shrugged shoulders. What I do know is that at the time I went in for my transfusions there were three ladies prior who had them done as well, all four of us ended up getting pregnant. I know one of those women had a miscarriage, but it was unrelated to natural killer cells. I did tell my nurse, Helen, that if she ever wanted to look into the data I'd love to help her with a paper. I hope this a treatment that continues to work for other women facing the same issue.

The other thing I did, which I believe I touched on briefly before was having an endometrial scratch. One of the amazing ER docs I used to work with at Condell had this done prior to her successful transfer. I talked to Dr. Jacobs about it and he was totally game, he told me that it improved the chances of a HEALTHY embryo (I have to mention that because if it's genetically abnormal nothing will work) sticking 3-6% more than just putting it in. I told him to sign me up! This ended up not being too crazy expensive, I think with insurance it was maybe $200. And again, well spent. The procedure itself was horrible. The idea is to make the endometrial lining more "sticky" ... by scrambling it like eggs... for the embryo. This I did ten days prior to my transfer. And out of everything I've done thus far, was the worst. Because it literally felt like he was scrambling my uterus, and in essence he was. Afterwards he told me he was sorry for not telling my how uncomfortable it was, but he didn't want me to 1. panic or 2. back out. Well played, good sir.

After all this fun I still had to have my transfer. I picked March 8th. This is an awesome day for two reasons. It's Super Steve's birthday, and we know he's super good luck. It's also the day my mom found out she was pregnant with me, right before they threw the towel in for good. I knew it would be a good day for a transfer. Prior I did acupuncture again, which I love, just to have that trifecta of goodness before we went in.

The transfer went great! I actually don't have a picture of this embryo. I asked the embryologist for one, but never was sent one. BUT this one was not only assisted with hatching, but was hatching on its own! That's a pretty big deal in the embryo world. This embryo was also not one of our best graded. It was a "meh" grade. But with it hatching on its own I was pretty damn excited. This time they had me take the valium a little bit too soon so by the time I went to have the embryo placed I was a giggly mess. Like couldn't contain myself. Dr. Jacobs did comment that it was much better than the first time when I cried, so that's a plus! It was me and five men again...it still cracks me up and honestly I wish I had a picture of how ridiculous it was. You know, it was probably better that they gave me the valium. But I digress.

Hi, I'm high!

Immediately when I saw our sweet embryo I said, "Oh my goodness! Look, it's Shamus! Hello, Shamus!" and thus our little lucky charm was named Shamus. Matt, totally disagreeing with my drugged embryo naming, referred to this one as "Little Bear". This is actually the first one Matt's ever named too, so we either call this little one "Shay-bae" or "Bear". We don't know the gender of the baby, but since I've exclaimed it was a boy, with the luck of the Irish (of which I am none) I while whole heartedly be shocked if this baby is girl.

The dreaded two week wait went exactly as it had before. I toyed with the idea of testing early, that way if I was disappointed I could slowly let it sink in unlike the last time when I waited the whole two weeks and was completely devastated, but at least I enjoyed those two weeks thinking I was pregnant. Before I actually could decide either way, a week after I had my transfer I woke up with bad cramping and when I went to the bathroom there was blood. Not a ton, but a decent amount. Enough to scare the crap out of me and have me shaking. This was on March 15th. I had implantation bleeding with Scarlett and after talking with nurse Helen she essentially said either it was that or my body was getting ready to have my period. I didn't even buy pregnancy tests this time around, but was able to dig through under my sink to find a spare and decided I would take a test. I talked myself down, that either it would be positive because I was pregnant, or wouldn't be positive yet because this was implantation bleeding, but I wouldn't get my hopes let down. Well, sure as shizznit that bad boy was positive.

Now, this is a total mind screw for me. Six years ago I took a pregnancy test and sobbed because I was terrified. I dreaded telling Matt. I wasn't happy. I was pretty much every emotion but that. This time, man. Three years of trying, three years of tears and desperation. Three years of negative tests. Three years of watching everyone else get pregnant. Three years of my daughter asking for a sibling. And months and months of failed IUIs and IVFs. It was the most beautiful thing I've seen in a long time. I was sobbing, but with relief and gratitude. Just this overwhelming sense of happiness. I was shocked in the complete opposite way I had been the first time I was pregnant. I can't even explain how weird it is to do such a complete 180, and to tell that same man that he was going to be a father again and see the smile on his face. It was just incredible. Simple as that.

I realized that getting a positive pregnancy test is just the beginning, especially in assisted reproduction. There is so much that can wrong, I mean I had a positive test in what would be the equivalent of a woman with normal conception being 3 weeks 5 days. So several days before a "missed period".  You can miscarry, or have a chemical pregnancy...even a blighted ovum. But for me, the simple fact I could get pregnant was a miracle. I knew if for some reason this little bean didn't stick, I would be able to get pregnant again. And before then, that wasn't a guarantee. I had my betas checked at 14 days post transfer and again 16 days post transfer. The first was over 400 (they want it above 100) and the second was over 1200 (they want the number to double). I lost it. Basically this means it's a viable pregnancy, and again, a huge milestone in this community.

One of the biggest perks is that I got to see little beeb every week from 5 weeks 5 days until 8 weeks 5 days. My first ultrasound I held my breath. I knew that I was just hoping to see a gestational sac. Usually you don't see a baby until 6ish weeks and this was still early. But as soon as she started the ultrasound there he was! Not only that, but at few days shy of 6 weeks, baby's heart was already beating. The ultrasound tech told me, "This is a strong one! Look at that, this baby wants to be here". I cried. I cried like I did when I saw Scarlett's heart beat for the first time. It's such an amazingly spectacular thing to witness something so small already be so full of life. That's when I had an overwhelming sense of calm that this baby was here and it was going to be alright.

5 weeks 5 days, little blip in the middle

6 weeks 5 days

7 weeks 5 days, looking more like a baby

8 weeks 5 days upside down

At 9 weeks I OFFICIALLY graduated from my fertility clinic and it was so bittersweet. Dr. Jacobs and nurse Helen have been constants in my life for nearly a year. If I wasn't in the office biweekly, it was several times a week, and these people really do become a part of your extended family. I begged to have Helen and Dr. Jacobs stay on the whole pregnancy, but alas, they only work with the creation part. BUT I have been in touch with both of them this last month, because I really do adore them both. I started seeing my regular OB the same week I graduated from the fertility clinic. I've had two appointments so far and everything has looked great. They have a portable ultrasound machine so Dr. Kim (who I also love, she delivered Scarlett) has taken quick peeks at this sweet baby. 

We held off on telling Scarlett until 9 weeks. Initially we were going to wait until 12 weeks, but I had a subchorionic hemorrhage. I had one with Scarlett. It's where the placenta pulls away from the uterine wall and causes a bleed between the uterus and placenta. With Scarlett I bled for four weeks, luckily I didn't bleed with this one and it resolved as of last week. But because of it I couldn't lift Scarlett, we decided to tell her then and bless my sweet girl. She was so surprised she didn't believe us at first. As you can imagine she is over-the-moon with the excitement of becoming a big sister. She's also been extra sweet and caring towards me as well. But it's Scarlett, she couldn't be more lovely. We made things public at 11 weeks after my doctor's appointment and we saw that baby continues to thrive and grow. I had been saving up all of my needles since we started with IUI back in July/August of last year up until this most recent transfer in March. They've been in a sharps container so I haven't given them much thought until I actually made our announcement. It was surreal...and heart breaking seeing all that we've gone through and what I've put my body through to get to this point. The poking and prodding becomes so routine that you don't think about it collectively, and seeing it all out there was bittersweet and beautiful in its own way. I am so grateful to have been given the privilege of growing another life inside of me that I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. 

So really, that brings us to now doesn't it? I'm 13 weeks 2 days. Almost the second trimester! It's flying by. A lot quicker than it did last time. I have a family, a job and a wonderfully full life to thank for that. I don't think it has sunk in completely yet. It's hard to explain. I know I'm pregnant. But I don't feel all together pregnant. I had super mild nausea, like I did with Scarlett. Intermittent narcolepsy for a couple weeks, like I did with Scarlett. And I'm chubby, I'm not showing at all. I've gained 25lbs during the IVF process, and that's been difficult as someone who has always struggled with weight. So I'm definitely softer and chubby...but there is no bump to speak of. I think once I start feeling the baby move and look pregnant it will hit full force. Maybe not. Maybe it'll be mid November when they hand this baby to me that it actually sinks in. One thing I will say is that I am thankful every single day that I'm pregnant and that I have this little soul with me. I'm so excited to be a mother of two, all I've really ever wanted was to be a mama and more recently to give Scarlett a sibling to grow alongside and I'm lucky I'll get to do both. 

Lack of bump

I had my NT scan on Thursday to look at baby's neck thickness and nasal bone. This is to check for the possibility of Down Syndrome. I pulled Scarlett from school early to come with and make a date of it. She hadn't seen baby yet and since you can actually see the whole baby during this ultrasound I thought it would be perfect. We went to Walker Brother's for lunch beforehand and the scan showed that baby is growing ahead (just like Scarlett did) and has a nasal bone and normal neck thickness. I wont have another ultrasound until late June or early July when we'll find out what we're having. But like I said, I already know it's a boy 😉 

Wiggly Shay-bae

Proud big sister!

That's about it for now! I just wanted to say thank you again to everyone who has followed us this far. I promise to write more and keep everyone updated. It's been a whirlwind this last year and honestly just thinking about what Matt, Scarlett and I have been through brings me to tears. But what can I say? This girl is beyond lucky.